It’s 12:38 AM on July 4, I have no title for this post and I shouldn’t even be awake. I’m having one of those nights (which seem to be more and more frequent these days), where I lay awake, full of anxiety and fear, questioning God. The big, hard questions that in the light of day I wouldn’t even really want the answers to; but here, in the seemingly safe darkness of nighttime I dare to ask out loud.
These aren’t existentially “big” questions like the meaning of life or if Ross and Rachel really were “on a break” (they weren’t, btw), but the kind of questions that to me feel huge. They’re scary to ask out loud not because the words are scary, but because both potential answers terrify me. Does my future hold a lifetime of singleness or marriage? Is the Lord calling me into missions? Am I impacting people in ways I don’t know about? What if it’s in a bad way? Will I get what I’ve always dreamed about, or do I need to re-adjust my vision for my life? Do I have enough on my plate or too much or too little? Am I following the Lord’s plan or my own?
They’re questions I have struggled with for a long time, with no answers in sight. My mind moves at a million miles per hour, even when I am sitting still before God. Everything I’m thinking runs in circles through my mind for hours before I realize that if God was trying to speak to me I probably couldn’t even hear him. And then I just start asking myself “Am I missing the Lord’s voice?”
I talked in my last post about how I’m not perfect, and here’s another prime example. I don’t want to put out a persona of a “perfect Christian” who never has fears and is never angry with God. Many of you who read this I don’t know personally, and I think it’s so important that I am real and normal, and not give you cookie cutter answers. And in this case, since I don’t have the answers myself, I’m not going to give you any answers. Sorry? You’re welcome? I don’t know.
One of my many weaknesses is that I let fear set my boundaries. Not just big boundaries like fear of not being good enough or fear of rejection, but even little things like being scared I won’t like a sandwich, so not trying it.
You know what else scares me? Not having any stinking answers. Can you hear me, God?!
A lot of the time, lack of an answer is just as frustrating to me as getting the answer I didn’t want. I’d almost rather have the answer and have it be something I didn’t want than sit idle. I absolutely hate sitting idle, waiting on somebody else for answers. I’d rather make the decision myself and just take some action. But what if I take the wrong action? Are you inside my mind yet? Are you as annoyed as I am?!
So friends, here is what the Lord is teaching me as I lay awake at night, waiting for the sun to rise and God’s whisper to become audible. I trust the nighttime and the darkness because I have faith that there will be a daylight. It’s not the dark and the lack of answers I’m scared of, it’s the idea that there may never be an answer.
Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to your life?
Well, here’s what I’ve been telling myself. Even if daylight were to never break on this Independence Day, I would still be me, my family would still be my family. America would still be the greatest country on Earth. Most importantly, God would still be God- and he would still be sovereign. Even if the darkness were to last forever, it would still just be me and God in the long haul, and ultimately that’s all the answer I need to get me through until the next daylight.
Rejoice not over me, O my enemy; when I fall, I shall rise; when I sit in darkness, the LORD will be a light to me.
Y’all, I’m no expert on how to walk with the Lord. Walking with Jesus is hard work. It’s confusing and exhausting, but also the most joyous thing in life. We’re all in a different season. But, if you’re out there and you’re in a difficult season, or you have those questions you only ask in the darkness, I hope this helps you at least a little bit!
On a MUCH more cheery note, some very exciting things are happening in my life right now. July is going to be a BIG month for me, y’all. Can’t wait to share it all so soon!! Stay tuned!